The Klumpets

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker.

A fictional tale based on actual occurrences and a real life family.

By D. B. Cooper

Chapter 1 of Many

I began working for a private Car Park serving a Scottish Airport a few years back. My initial training was on how to jam as many cars into as small a space as possible.

Each row was lettered so you knew where you were parking cars. When I asked someone what row HF was, I was instructed HF stood for Horse Field. This led me to believe my new occupation could be more dangerous than first envisaged, as some customers, on their return, began noticing turfs hanging from the underside of their cars.

I was also somewhat concerned when I found there were a number of cars damaged when maneuvering them into a tight spot. This I soon found was not a problem, as, the company's exceptional customer care policy, saw the cars whisked round to a panel beater for a quick repair.

The company again excelled by leaving the windows down for the customer returning, so they could drive home without the strong smell of paint in their car.

The problem of tightness for space was alleviated after employing a new driver. All of a sudden, there was a lot more space. When the new driver was quized as to how he managed to park cars so precisely, he explained, you know you are close enough when you see the car in front move. So simple and affective, we had to wonder why none of us thought of it before.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 2 - The arrival of Klumpet

The husband of the manageress, Klumpet, began working at the car park after his employment as a second hand car salesman was terminated. Seemingly, he lost the knack of forcing women to buy cars they did not want.

Klumpet stated he was going to work as a bus driver. His reasoning for this was, he would inspire other bus drivers to drive buses and park cars in their spare time.

A couple of days later, a notice appeared on the notice board asking customers to refrain from asking the drivers to lift their cases, as, they only had to lift one or two cases per day, the drivers had to lift hundreds. When an office worker was asked who put the notice on the wall, the reply was, the Manageress, Mrs Klumpet, put the notice on the wall as Klumpet was so tired at night, he could not eat his dinner.

A few days later Klumpet developed a limp. He then stated, Klumpet in need of an operation so cannot drive buses any more.

A few months later, Klumpet informed the owner Mrs Klumpet was in need of an operation. Klumpet then volunteered to help her out in the office. The owner fell for the tale, so customer service was set to improve dramatically.

Klumpet was soon inspired to make his first executive decision. He noticed a customer taking a drink from the water machine in the waiting room. He then came up with the idea, that if he unplugged the water machine, then dragged it through the back of the portacabin, customers would not be able to drink the water, thus save the company money.

He was inspired to make a second executive decision after noticing a customer tossing rubbish into the Wheely Bin. That unacceptable behaviour was soon curtailed by hiding the Bin behind the portacabin.

Customers soon began complaining the toilets were locked. When workers asked Klumpet why, he explained, someone shit in the toilets so they were going to be locked from then on. The small key was then kept in a drawer, attached to a large chain, with a huge padlock attached to the chain.

From that time on, anyone caught short had to go to the office to report the toilet door was locked. The customer would then be issued with the key, attached to the large chain and huge padlock. Now at this point, many people will be realizing this is not fiction.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 3 - On the Buses

My first time driving a bus was an experience never to be forgotten. No one warned me what happened when you gave it full throttle, it jammed full on. No wonder the other driver was pishing himself laughing when I drove out the gate. The secret was not to panic as it normally happened when going onto the by-pass, a long straight about 1 mile long. If you had not prized the throttle back up with your toes half way along the by-pass, it was then a matter of throwing caution to the wind and bending down to pull it up by hand. When returning to the driving position, it was best to try and act as if this was a natural occurrence, so not to scare the sh_t out of passengers in the front seats.

Some drivers were known to drive out the gate without closing the rear doors of the bus. This could be embarrassing when having to reverse back to pick up cases and underwear strewn across the road. Again, the secret was to try and act as if that was a normal part of the service.

On one occasion, a bus driver getting close to the end of his shift, picked up a number of passengers including two disabled women. As their husbands returned the wheel chairs, the bus driver shot off towards the car park.

As the next bus arrived at the Airport, two red faced gentlemen rebuked, is that cunt havin a laugh. When they returned to the car park, their fears were alleviated after noticing the bus driver had kindly propped their wives and cases up against their cars.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 4 - Expansion

Klumpet took the decision to expand the car park and employ European workers, after all, he stated Scottish people did not appreciate a job and failed to give managers respect.

Four workers arrived to be put up in a 3 bedroom bungalow. The first problem arose when it was pointed out to Klumpet, they could get over 150 TV channels in Latvia but could only seem to get 5 channels in the bungalow. Klumpet apologized profusely, then shot off to the nearest satellite installer to make them feel more at home.

The two guys took to parking cars like ducks to water, not surprising as one had an impressive CV. His previous driving job was crossing the Russian border undetected, so he could import cheep petrol into Latvia. Any language barriers could be overcome by the use of sign language. The first Scottish words they seemed to pick up were, Klumpet fuckin idiot.

The two girls took a bit longer to settle in taking bookings by phone. Klumpet had underestimated the amount of Scottish people capable of understanding Polish. This problem was soon overcome by the girls learning a bit of Scottish.

Within a few weeks, people began suspecting the European workers were not impressed with the car park. Their suspicions were confirmed when someone rebooted a computer in the morning, then stood back in amazement as the printer churned out about 150 applications for jobs around the world.

About that time, the works computers went down with a virus. A quick check by the IT guy found someone had begun frequenting Russian porn sites. Klumpet excelled once again by resolving the problem in a matter of days, he had an internet connection fitted to the bungalow.

The European workers soon moved on to pastures new as they had enough of Klumpet. A short time later, a gas bill for the bungalow was quizzed by the owner as, that cant be fucking right. One of the girls did state, the bungalow was so warm during a hard frost spell of -8, they were forced to keep the windows open through the night. The gas bill was said to be even larger than the phone bill.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 5 - Demise of the European venture

Klumpet refused to face up to the fact his dreams of building a European empire had failed miserably, so decided to go European once again by employing a couple of bus drivers. This time though, they would have to pay for their own accommodation, satellite TV, phone, Internet and gas.

The new bus drivers soon began complaining it was almost impossible to live on the minimum wage. Mrs Klumpet claimed, she put a plate of mince in the works fridge on a Thursday with the intention of eating it on Saturday. She then claimed, someone scoffed the mince sometime between the Thursday and Friday.

The crime of the century had workers believing Klumpet was the number one suspect, as, Mrs Klumpet also claimed the perpetrator washed the plate when finished. Klumpet was the only person that washed plates, so he claimed.

Mrs Klumpet was not the sharpest knife in the box, so came to the conclusion it must have been one of the European workers, as, they were not getting paid enough to live on. She also came to the conclusion, it would most likely have been the largest one of the two, bigger the guy, the more he has to eat.

The large European worker was interrogated for almost an hour. After realizing she could not sack him without a full confession, Mrs Klumpet reluctantly let him go.

The following week, a top of the range security camera was installed in the kitchen pointing at the fridge. This may seem a bit over the top, but you have to realize a can of Lemonade and a Mars Bar disappeared in the past as well.

The large European bus driver left soon after as he became the most famous driver in Scotland. Even City Link bus drivers, stopping at the Airport, would hang out their bus and shout Hello Big Mince.

Big Mince was last seen driving a Stagecoach bus in the west of Scotland. It must be pointed out, there was never a scrap of evidence to connect him to the crime. The mystery of who devoured the plate of mince has never been solved.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 6 - Klumpet finally gets an operation

After Klumpet disappeared for a few days, a driver asked Mrs Klumpet where he was. Mrs Klumpet replied, she was sworn to secrecy so could not say.

A few days later, Mrs Klumpet informed the driver she was knitting a large cushion for Klumpet, with a hole in the middle.

The bus driver soon informed everyone for miles, Klumpet was in hospital having his hemroids cauterized.

There may be a moral to this tale, one should not go around using medical conditions to achieve promotion. Everyone has heard the Lord works in mysterious ways, as Klumpet found in an embarrassing and painful way.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 7 - The End is Nigh

On a sunny afternoon, a car park bus returned from the Airport at a tremendous rate. The driver, Wee Eck, scrambled oot the bus exclaiming, the Airport had hired a new manager of their own, Luscious Lucinda.

Luscious Lucinda was spreading word around she was gunning for the Klumpets, total destruction was her goal.

The Klumpets were devastated, their Empire was crumbling before their eyes and there was nothing they could do about it. Luscious Lucinda had begun a price war the Klumpets could not sustain.

The Airport soon believed they had finally rid themselves of their arch enemy, as, a lengthy court case resulted in the Klumpets being hit with legal bills they surely could not honour.

The takeover was set for a Friday at High Noon. Klumpet and the independent car park owner, Big Tim, had a different idea. They found some loot somewhere, so decided to set up Big Cheese (Chief Executive) from the Airport.

Two minutes to High Noon, Big Tim left his car in front of the terminal building to go pay over the check with seconds to spare. Klumpet was sitting in a bus outside the Airport at that time. His plan worked even better than anticipated, as, Big Cheese from the Airport himself got on the bus at High Noon.

Big Cheese had not a clue the loot was being handed over at that exact time. Klumpet was not going to miss such a glorious opportunity, so grabbed Big Cheese, then dragged him off the bus in front of customers. Total humiliation was accomplished that day, an historic victory for the small fish.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 8 - The final battle

Luscious Lucinda kept up the squeeze until the Klumpets were potless. Rumours soon spread they had to hide on the office floor to avoid a dept collector.

Big Tim was finally forced to surrender to Big Cheese in September 2008. To everyone's surprise, Big Cheese announced they were going to take over the independent car park and workers, including the Klumpets.

One bus driver stated to Klumpet, I do not trust these fu--ers. Klumpet replied, you do not trust them, you never threw Big Cheese off a bus.

Big Cheese then amazed everyone when he forced Luscious Lucinda out of her job so he could give it to Klumpet and his wife.

Seems Big Cheese had worked out, the Klumpets had cost the Airport about £6 million over the years, so thought if he employed them, they would not rob him any more, would they?

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 9 - The new beginning

Soon after the takeover, the Airport announced mass redundancies so a 90 day consultation with the Union began.

At that time, Big Bella of Human Recourses stated, one bus driver had to go so it would have to be Uncle Klumpet, as, he was working as a contractor at a higher rate than the other drivers.

Klumpet, being a simply minded type of guy, decided it would be more convenient to sack one of the other bus drivers for having a tea break.

Big Bella was impressed, even someone with her experience had failed to see the obvious solution to the problem.

An Airport bus driver soon complained Uncle Klumpet was making off with all the overtime. Mrs Klumpet then stated she would solve the problem by getting shot of the upstart.

Mrs Klumpet found it was not as easy to fire someone at the Airport, as, Big Bella had to try and make it look justified.

Mrs Klumpet showed extreme tenacity, she persevered for 14 months in her quest to have the non Klumpet sacked. One Airport bus driver down, 5 more to go.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 10 - The new Klumpet Mobile

The Klumpets were amazed they were then being paid more than Big Tim had ever paid them, so decided to invest in a new Klumpet Mobile.

Dopey Daphne soon had them in the office explaining, they had just paid off many workers so would be short staffed. As they then had three car park managers, Klumpet, Mrs Klumpet and their loyal servant Wee Mack, the managers would have to work shifts so they could cover holidays, sick leave and breaks.

Mrs Klumpet explained to Dopey Daphne, she could not drive the new Klumpet Mobile as it was an automatic.

She stated, the one time she attempted to drive the new Klumpet Mobile, she tried to change gear while doing about 50 mph and hit the brake pedal thinking it was a clutch. Seemingly, it took weeks to get rid of the skid marks.

Dopey Daphne apologized for assuming, an Airport manager would be capable of mastering the complexity of driving an automatic car.

The meeting ended with an agreement Mrs Klumpet could work the same shifts as Klumpet, and could be in charge of the work rotas.

The new rotas saw Mrs Klumpet, Klumpet and Baby Klumpet working Monday to Friday 09.00 to 17.00. Wee Mack was assigned to cover every weekend, as, little people do not go out at weekends, do they?

Workers getting breaks on their 11 hour shifts was seen as unnecessary, as, they all took in pack lunches and the toilets were close by.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 11 - The Union deals

Big Cheese soon had the papers in claiming the Airport was loosing over £1 million per year. Talks with the Union soon began about a two year pay freeze and single time overtime.

At the same time, Mrs Klumpet was in talks with her boss Dopey Daphne. She thought her son should be allowed home two hours per day to walk their dogs, and get paid for it.

The talks went well in both cases, the Union agreed to the pay freeze and Baby Klumpet was paid to walk the four legged Klumpets.

Big Bella bragged she could get the union to sign anything she wanted. Everyone knew this anyway, as Wee Chance, Shop Convenor from the Union, was noted on a few occasion, foaming at the mouth after sighting Big Bellas G String straining above her waist band.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 12 - Dopey Daphne drops a Clanger

It turned out Dopey Daphne had a concerning sense of humour. After noticing a large airport car park worker smoking at the front of the terminal, she printed a company document stating, if someone does not stop fatso smoking in front of the terminal, I will bring fatso into my office and deal with fatso myself.

Dopey Daphne, either by mistake or deliberate, then filed the document in the wrong pile, the pile marked to go to the car park workers.

As the car park workers began reading the documents, it soon became obvious who the document was directed at. The large workers father seemed to have a productive conversation with Dopey Daphne soon after, as, promotion and a vast increase in wages was agreed would help alleviate his sons trauma.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 13 - Lets sack the rest of the bus drivers

Klumpet and his loyal servant Wee Mack, began sending workers home during a quiet spell, as, they thought workers hanging around with nothing to do looked unprofessional. Full pay was being paid, so do not tell anyone was the order of the day.

Mrs Klumpet soon realized workers were disappearing without trace, so was not going to let such a fabulous opportunity pass her by. She promptly had five workers suspended on full pay for gross misconduct. Over £20,000 later, paying the five full wages and paying contract bus drivers, all accused returned to work after an investigator came to the conclusion, they were only doing as they were told.

Seems Klumpet and Wee Mack were so terrified of Mrs Klumpet, they only told the truth after being interrogated by a Fireman, who for some reason doubles up as an investigator.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 14 - Shit Everywhere

With the Airport loosing vast amounts of money, Klumpet came up with a brilliant idea, they would begin informing customers their inexpensive car park is full, thus forcing them to pay more for the premium car park next to the Airport.

Dopey Daphne was wondering why Luscious Lucinda had never thought of that, considering they were paying her top dollar.

The new lucrative venture was going great until a power cut in 2009. With the car park almost full, the sewerage pumping station next to the car park went down. A manhole cover then blew off spewing human shit everywhere, many cars were submerged in sewerage.

Klumpet was set to deal with his first crises in the new job. He came up with the idea, we will inform customers it is rain water, and carpets in cars nowadays are waterproof so their electrics will not be damaged.

Any cars that started and were bailed out, saw their hapless owners disappear into the distance with a £30 cheque for a vacuum clean.

The National Water Company soon accepted responsibility for the contamination, so began dealing with the situation in a more normal fashion.

There were some claims, the National Water Company also stated the flooding was rain water, an act of god. Insurance companies seemingly blame the Big Yin for everything they can. These people should remember what happened to Klumpet, as, the Big Yin works in mysterious ways.

The unfortunate few that took the advice of Klumpet, may be driving around thinking it smells like someone has shit in here.

If you are the proud owner of a car that smells of human shit, best not to drive it down a motorway in the dark as the electrics could fail at any time.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 15 - Bus driver mutiny

The Car Park managers had been forcing Bus Drivers to drive defective buses for about 2 years, and Wee Chance from the Union, had been posted missing, certainly not in action, for months. One office worker stated he thought he saw a pair of feet sticking oot Big Bellas ass, but could not say for sure if they were Wee Chance's or not.

Most of the drivers joined the Union, then appointed a shop steward, Bull Dog, in the car parks to put an end to the defective buses.

Just as the buses began being repaired, Big Cheese decided he had a more economic way to solve the defective bus problem, pay off all the drivers at the first quiet spell. They could then take on seasonal workers, that if complained about anything, could be dispatched at short notice.

No doubt, Big Cheese believed everyone accepts flying is dangerous, so why should the bus trip to the Airport be any different.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 16 - Union meeting

The union shop stewards were forced to call a jovial meeting. This was to find the person agreeing to everything the Airport was proposing.

The meeting began well as Wee Chance soon confessed, he had signed every document Big Bella had put in front of him, and failed to consult the shop stewards first.

Bull Dog already knew this, so attended the meeting armed with many documents from Union members, documents requesting Wee Chance be ex-communicated.

Things got ugly at that time, Wee Chance was not going quietly as he was the highest ranked Union official there, apart from Elusive Eddie from the local headquarters.

During an exchange between Wee Chance and Bull Dog, where for some reason, bending over and a tub of Vaseline became a topic, the meeting descending into such chaos, it was decided to call a halt to the proceedings and withdraw in an orderly fashion. Wee Chance somehow escaped the mutiny.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 17 - Lying

There was a saying in the car parks, when do you know the Klumpet's are lying, answer, when their lips move.

Now not everyone knew this, especially Sanny the bus driver. After asking Mrs Klumpet about his wages being less than normal, he was told it was a new company wage policy. Sanny, only having worked for normal companies before, decided to confront the Union about the new policy. The Union reply of they knew nothing about the new policy, saw Sanny return to Mrs Klumpet.

Sanny was left aghast after Mrs Klumpet told him to f_ck off, then slammed the office door shut so hard, Sanny claimed the portacabin windows almost fell oot.

Now you would have thought Sanny would have learned by that venture, but no, he went back to Mrs Klumpet some time later to enquire why was he only getting single time overtime, as, if he did not do it, the company would have to pay double his wages for a contractor.

A fair point you would have thought, but Sanny believed he was not given a balanced reply when Mrs Klumpet responded by stating, why don't you f_ck off back to Stagecoach.

Mrs Klumpet again impressed her boss, Dopey Daphne, when she typed out a document to get a worker sacked, then tried to get another worker to sign it so it would be more believable.

Although Dopey Daphne believed she had exceeded the call of duty with the dodgy document, she had to acknowledge, Mrs Klumpet was becoming a bit of a liability after being caught on dictaphone, trying to con a worker out of their health care insurance.

Workers beleived Dopey Daphne was in need of a No 10 shovel, as, she seemed to have a larger hole than usual to dig Mrs Klumpet out of.

The crises was averted, as rumour goes, by giving Wee Chance and Elusive Eddie one of Big Bellas G Strings. Allegedly, the elastic had the life stretched out of it anyway. The top Union guys then agreed to ban the car park shop steward, Bull Dog, out of the Airport so Wee Chance could clear Mrs Klumpets name.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 18 - The End is Nigh

The bus drivers all knew there jobs were gone when Uncle Klumpet took a job as an office worker, at a far lower rate than he was paid as a contractor bus driver.

Two weeks later, Big Cheese announced about 100 Airport workers were for the chop. All bus drivers would be sacrificed, apart from one who had just secured an office job.

The bus drivers believed Uncle Klumpet must have been tipped off that all of their jobs were going. Big Bella stated she could not understand what gave them that idea.

One office worker enquired, would the newly appointed office worker be going through the points process for the remaining office jobs. Big Bella stated the Union had signed to state that was acceptable, and his sister, Mrs Klumpet, would be giving him his points.

Wee Chance was still signing anything Big Bella put in front of him. The sight of elastic straining to almost breaking point had the Union surrendering to her every request.

One worker was so concerned over Wee Chance's lack of self control, he decided to contact the Union headquarters in London. This turned out to be a mistake, as Big Bella, with the aid of her underwear, seemed to have access to everything in the local Union Headquarters.

That worker was subsequently hauled before Big Bella and her side kick Cornetto Joe. He was then asked to explain why he sent an email to the Union headquarters in London, an email that past comment on herself and Wee Chance. That embarrassed worker only escaped the noose after stating, he thought it was illegal to thieve confidential documents off computers, computers belonging to one of the most powerful organization in the country.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 19 - Contacting the Union in London Again

The worker that contacted the Union in London, decided to contact them again. He wanted to complain about Wee Chance and Elusive Eddie agreeing to Mrs Klumpet pointing her brother, Uncle Klumpet, for an office job, even though he was a contractor bus driver two weeks before the payoffs were announced.

Someone from London must have given Elusive Eddie a hard boot up the Kyber Pass, as, he then sent letters to the workers stating, himself and his merry men had come up with a new strategy.

The workers were not impressed with the content of the letter, so sent a document back to London stating:

Thanks for having a word with the Regional Union Reps concerning the Car Parks at Klumpetland Airport.

You seemed to have inspired them into coming up with: (what is going on in the Car Parks at Klumpetland Airport could be viewed as Morally Wrong, so the Union should raise this at the Consultation Meetings).

The only thing was, the last Consultation Meeting had been and gone by the time they had come up with their masterly plan.

If Elusive Eddie or Wee Chance come up with any other bright ideas, be sure and tell them to let us know. It is good to see we are getting something for the £100s a month we donate to the Union, a good laugh.

If you have someone down there with balls that wants a trip, send them up, it is good golfing country here.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 20 - The Pay Off Process

Ellusive Eddie failed to prevent Mrs Klumpet from pointing the car park workers, so a meeting was to be held with each worker, an HR representative and Mrs Klumpet.

The worker would be told their points, then Mrs Klumpet would explain why they managed to accumulate such a low score.

A leaflet was sent to each office worker stating the process. One worker, that had been through the same debacle 2 years previous, decided to print out a more realistic leaflet explaining the true process.

The new leaflet read:

Explanation - Criteria Scoring in Points 0 - 10

0 - Constantly fails to meet expectations - you have told management what you think of them.

2 - Fails to meet basic requirements - someone has told management what you think of them.

4 - Regularly meets basic requirements - they want to sack you, but don't want to offend you.

6 - Occasionally goes beyond the requirements - informant, could be useful to retain.

8 - Frequently goes beyond requirements - ass licker, management will be devastated if they have to hump you oot the door.

10 - Delivers beyond expectations - relation of manager giving the points.

We have the ability to score in between the ratings if a compromise is required - will resort to this strategy only if you can prove we intend to give a relative your job.

Bus drivers will only be pointed if their surname is the same as the manager doing the pointing. Information on how to change your surname can be found at - http://www.ukdps.co.uk/

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 21 - Pigeon Post to the other side of the world

One of the bus drivers was not impressed with his treatment, as, he was not even pointed for a job. He claimed he worked all the overtime he could, took his own tools into work to help with repairs, and ass licked for two years.

He then typed out a document containing information on the defective buses, holiday requests being withheld for up to six weeks, people being forced to work 11 hour shifts without a break, and other Health and Safety issues.

That driver, then posted his extensive document to the main directors of the Airport who were based on the other side of the world, under a Whistleblower.

Two weeks later, the driver stated he was unimpressed, as, his letter had failed to attract the response anticipated.

Two days later, the shit hit the fan big time, Big Bella and Wee Chance were on the warpath waving the document around, demanding to know who grassed them in to the other side of the world.

The head Union guy for the region, Elusive Eddie, pointed out the letter was sent as a Whistleblower, so, the person responsible was supposed to have anonymity. Big Bella responded by stating, that document contained reference to her so f_ck anonymity, he was dead when she got hold of him. Workers had visions of Big Bella throttling the culprit with a pair of large knickers.

Big Bella failed to track down the perpetrator, as, that person stated to other car park workers, you are all commandos that go storming in, I am the SAS, I get in close to my victims without them knowing.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 22 - All that remains

Big Cheese cut the car parking staff from 18 workers to 4 workers. The 3 managers were retained, Klumpet, Mrs Klumpet and their loyal servant Wee Mack.

Everyone thought that was utterly disgraceful, as, it meant two workers would have to share a manager.

To everyone's surprise, Uncle Klumpet received the highest points so secured one of the office workers jobs.

Baby Klumpet also received high points but decided he wanted his redundancy. Mrs Klumpet stated he was in need of a holiday, so would return to work after his redundancy was depleted.

Seemingly, the other three jobs were more difficult to fill. It was no easy task finding three workers with respect for Klumpet.

The three workers finally selected were, English Bob, Curly and Ms Diamond. These workers will probably be offered the role of honorary Klumpets. That position had been tried and tested in the past with some of Baby Klumpets mates.

Honorary Klumpets can be late for work, get paid hours they do not work, be abusive to other workers, make off with customers sun glasses, and extra holidays can be acquired. All they have to do in return, is speak to Klumpet as they would to any normal person.

The Life and Times of an Airport Car Park Worker

Chapter 23 - A new era

Everyone accepted there were difficult times ahead. The Firemen and Security took over loading/unloading baggage from the aircraft.

The control tower people stated they would take phone bookings for the car parks. Not sure who will get priority there, the person booking their car into the car parks, or, the pilot requesting permission to use the runway.

Big Cheese stated his Airport was selected to deal with any Aircraft forced to land in the UK with a mechanical problem, or with terrorists on board.

Should a plane ever descend with terrorists onboard, chances are, the tower will not notice it land and the security guys will assist by humping their luggage oot the aircraft.

Many of the workers had to endure Mrs Klumpets reasoning as to why they were unsuitable to remain employed in Klumpetland.

One stated he would try writing a book.

The End